This may be taboo for some, but scheduling sex does not have to be as mood killing as it sounds.
When couples arrive in my office, I have them each fill out a questionnaire. On the form, there is a section regarding sex and intimacy. Almost always, there is a discrepancy between the couples’ answers. If intimacy and sex are lacking, this becomes a goal for therapy. Just like any other goal, there needs to be attainable and measurable objectives. One of those objectives is scheduling sex. In some cases we must build trust first but that is a post for another day. Let us just assume that the couple is lacking a sex life because they are not prioritizing it.
In most grown up relationships, there are many balls in the air: work, kids, home, etc. For most of us, these balls take priority over our personal needs. It is time that we see intimacy as a NEED and not something we can sacrifice. I ask my clients to schedule sex once a week so they begin to see sex as a priority. If they come back to therapy without this objective being met, we explore the “why”. Maybe something came up. Maybe there was a fight. Maybe someone is avoiding intimacy all together. In most cases, clients state that they couldn’t “fit” it into their schedule. We work hard to meet this goal until it is obtained.
Some clients complain that is takes the “sexiness” out of sex. However, if you aren’t having sex to begin with, then there is no sexiness anyway. I remind them that it is not important when you have sex, it is how you have sex. Scheduling sex can give you something to look forward to. Dress up, do things you wouldn’t normally do, spice it up!
Lastly, perception is everything. If you go through the day thinking, “Ugh. My day is busy enough. Now I have to perform tonight for my partner,” rest assure that when you get to the bedroom the look on your face will say just that and your partner will not want to engage. However, if you think to yourself, “I will let go tonight and have a good time because my relationship is worth it. I am looking forward to connecting tonight,” then you will be open to the possibility that sex is not just a scheduled appointment like a tooth cleaning, but an experience that you can’t live without.
Natalie Nesbitt, MS, LPC, loves working with couples! Helping them find the passion in their relationship; remove blocks that are keeping them from being their best; learning to have a marriage they have only dreamed. Providing personalized couples therapy and life counseling at her private psychotherapy practice in Paoli, Pennsylvania, conveniently located on the Main Line. She has helped countless couples save their marriages and/or relationships and come back from the deepest of betrayals.